Victory Thru Jesus Over Porn by Cheryl and Neil Rondorf

Cheryl and Neil Rondorf

Pornography is usually a subject that is left quiet, but it has the power to destroy marriages and lives utterly.  Michael and I recently met a couple who are international speakers at churches on the subject of pornography in one's life. They agreed to share their experience and insight on this difficult subject.  

What was it that led you both into this ministry?

My husband first encountered pornography as a young man.  He has an addictive personality, as evidenced by his use of alcohol.  We did not realize it until later in life when we began to study addiction.  As alcohol abuse was frowned upon in his career, he established some control. He had dabbled with adult material on and off for a long time, but when he was baptized and became a disciple in 1993, he thought he had put it behind him. However, the pressures of his job and his stress caused him to look for relief in various ways.

Somewhere around 2003, he was traveling for work and started browsing adult channels in the hotel room.  He began by looking for relief from the daily challenges, but then continued viewing pornography as a reward for doing a good job. I was unaware of his addiction at this time because he hid it well and did not indulge at home. But when one of our children left something on our computer with pornography, he didn't engage with them effectively because he felt like a hypocrite. So it affected our home life.  Satan used viewing pornography to diminish a father's authority over his son 

 He kept confessing his sin to a small group of men, but would spread the facts around so it didn't seem so bad. Finally, in 2006, he got with another man as a prayer partner, and they started meeting regularly to confess to one another and seek help and guidance from God, the Holy Spirit, and other men.  He began scripture memorization with Ephesians 5:3, "There shall not be a hint of sexual impurity."  

He felt this was impossible at the beginning.  The two men, however, ended up having others join them.  I was still unaware of his personal addiction to pornography. I thought this group was designed to help the other men. When he finally confessed to me about his struggles, I was hurt, confused, and discouraged.

I understood battling addiction because I have a problem with food cravings (I have never met an unpleasant carb), but I didn't understand our marriage's lack of communication and trust. That would take a long time to heal. In 2015, a ministry couple approached us about helping other couples. The wives were being hurt and damaged by the sin in their husbands' lives and didn't know where to turn.

We brought together a group of couples, and they were amazed to meet each other and discover that they weren't the only ones going through the same struggle. We started meeting regularly as a group, but it was also suggested that I start a women's support group for the wives. So, in 2016, we began monthly meetings with the help of a purity ministry (Pure and Simple).  The women chose a book, Grace Calls by Robin Weidner, and began a healing journey. 

 My husband's men's group still meets on Saturday mornings and has done so for about 15 years.  It ranges from college-age to mature gentlemen who all share the struggle.  We have had men achieve success and no longer attend, but Neil stays in touch, as the return to old habits is always possible.  We have had men leave for several years, but then return as they feel they are slipping.  

 Things we have seen happen.

Exposure to a deep, repeated sin always comes with a risk. The hurt is raw, and the battlefield must be prepared. We have seen marriages rebuilt and strengthened. We have also seen marriages disintegrate due to various factors, such as a lack of consistent repentance, poor communication, a lack of dedication to recovery, and a lack of forgiveness. The couple will need encouragement and someone close who can listen and not condemn but hold firm to the idea of change. 

 We have also seen single people deal with this issue and go on to find true love and develop a great relationship, knowing this is in the background.  It is necessary to address recurrence, which is always a possibility.  Singles often feel this problem will go away with marriage, but we have seen that this is not the case. It can destroy a marriage if not dealt with early on.  This problem is based on an addictive personality, selfishness, inability to deal with emotions, and lack of openness. James 5:16 (confess, pray, be healed)

 Is pornography different in other parts of the world?

No, it is a struggle common to man.  This is not a new issue.  It is referred to in the Bible frequently as a sexual impurity or immorality, but it is the same issue (Judah and Tamar in Gen 38 / Pr 7:7, the young man on the street). The only difference might be access.  The internet and mobile phones have complicated this tremendously.  We have encountered the same issue during our travels around the world.  It is not culture-dependent in that everyone struggles and is susceptible to it.  

 Best advice for anyone dealing with this.

 James 5:16 says to confess and pray.  We all want to hide this one, as it is so personal, and if married, the impact can be very hurtful. The secrecy prevents the healing from the beginning.  For example, we visited one church with two purity groups, but they were unaware of the other's existence.  If the objective is to help, how is that possible if no one knows the options for help are available?  We know this all too clearly, as we have discussed this sin with our closest friends and strangers.  

 For couples, the one struggling must enter recovery to demonstrate a concerted effort to address this issue.  The disclosure should occur in the presence of another couple who can guide the discussion and offer encouragement. It should not be blurted out in a moment of discouragement or helplessness.  That will only result in maximum damage and minimal return on investment.  

 How have you seen God work through this ministry?  

 This effort has saved our marriage and restructured our relationship with God and those around us.  The only regret is that it took us so long to sort things out.  We have seen other couples embrace this and turn to God for solutions rather than the addiction that has control.  We have seen other churches take up the battle to establish addiction groups and face the enemy more effectively.  We have seen young men who have actually gotten involved in legal issues with addictions and been able to get a fresh start with advice, support, and an honest effort to change. In Ps 119:9-11, it asks, "How can a young man keep his way pure?" The following scriptures offer valuable and straightforward advice.  1--Live according to God's word.    2--Seek God    3--Keep the commandments (2 out of 10 address purity).   4--  Store up God's word in the heart (memorize the scriptures like Eph 5:3 - not a hint)

 Thank you, Martha, for asking us about such a sensitive and challenging subject. The enemy uses pornography for the downfall of believing Christians.

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 Ephesians 5:3--" But among you, there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 

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Martha Wild King, M.Ed., Author

 The Frugal Catholic--Learn to Live on Less to Give and Save More

 Frugality gave us wealth, BUT the Catholic Church made us rich!